After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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