dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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