tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
this is an emotional support booty call
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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