im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
