I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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