hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
