I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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