According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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