babies were throwing up all over the place
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
