I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
