I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
