Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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