Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just gift wrapped bread.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Randomize
