grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
