i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
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I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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