you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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