btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I want a musical about memes.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
