Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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