So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
