No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
