I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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