So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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