I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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