I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
3pm strippers are depressing
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
