I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The Olympian is in my bed
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