Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
