Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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