took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
