Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
