I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
