i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
