You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The ass gains better be worth it
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
