Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Randomize
