I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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