i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
how does that bad decision feel?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
