First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
