I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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