i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
