I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
