You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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