talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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