when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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