Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
