My sheets look like a crime scene.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
