Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
