sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
