Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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