dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
