I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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