why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
