Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
