don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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