I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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