p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
