God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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