She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
