After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
