I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
