Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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