she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
