I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
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I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
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Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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