so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
